to touch me, to hold me, to tell me that it's alright in person, to prove that i'm not crazy for trying this, to prove that he is real and i will be able to see him, to be able to look at him and know that we belong to eachother.......

*sigh* i don't know.... i feel like none of this is ever going to happen. so much is working against us. i can picture us together years from now though, sitting together on a couch watching a movie... me sitting in his lap, kissing him, my head on his shoulder... and us just chatting and remembering how hard it was, but how it much all of it was worth it so that we could have eachother. i can picture him taking me up in his arms and carrying me away someplace to be alone with me..... regardless of any obligations one of us might have at the time..... wanting to be together that badly. and even with all this i still have doubts. he is ridiculously far away with limited contact. he is willing to bow to his family's wishes the majority of the time, and they definitely want to wish me away. i do have a large amount of people that live on the same damn continent that i could have, and some of which i could trust to end up with. and i know he could do better. and i don't want him to wake up five years from now, realize that, and find that he's unhappy with me. and, not going to lie, i'm terrified. i'm scared shitless that this might not work out, and just as afraid of it working out....

why would i be afraid of it working out you say? i honestly don't know. i do not believe that i'm worth it. i do believe that eventually everyone will give up on me. and maybe i'm afraid that if someone does love me, then i'd have to start loving myself. or maybe i'm just afraid of what it working out would mean for me. it would mean handing over some of the reigns. that is what you do afterall. i'm used to being in control.... not being so damn helpless over the relationship as a whole, and being helpless over my emotions regarding him.....

*sigh* either way, i wish he was here with me. i wish i had the answers that i continue searching for. not that i ever will have all of them, or if i do, then there will be more certainly. *shrug* either way, having him with me would make it better. thank god he's worth it......

now the kicker... he might not come. i doubted him coming to see me ever in the first place... and then he says he will, gets my hopes up, makes me genuinely happy..... and now he says he might not. how the hell am i supposed to react? i can't blame him... i don't. i can't get mad... it's not entirely his fault. i can't control him... and i wouldn't if i could. it's his decision. i just wish i wasn't so disappointed. i wish i wasn't wanting him to come so badly. and i wish i didn't have hopes to get up in the first place. i know better.... at least in theory. i'm used to it from my dad, so why not my boyfriend? hell, do i even go see him if he's not willing to come see me when he has the money?

i want to see him... i'm putting money away to see him.... and he's now afraid to come see me? *sigh* not cowardly.... i know how he feels.... just afraid. reasonably afraid of the consequences. something i can't argue with.... cowardice can be fought.... reasonable fear can't be. so do i just blow my money on him anyway? against logic? probably will end up doing so.... i don't know. we'll see.

(to all of you who have read this whole damn thing, i apologize. it's me talking to myself mostly i suppose. it's a good way to clear thoughts. hope you gained some entertainment or insight from it at the very least.)